Tell me why we're not in a full-scale global depression so I can feel more optimistic about things.

Its relative, if everyone is in a depression, it's a depression in name only.
This depression is financial, the value of companies will go down and shareholders will receive less, but the good news is that the depression has not been caused by crop failure or catastrophic weather or war.

There is really no need for people to starve or even to stop manufacturing goods and selling services, if the financiers would lower their expectations.

Debt is only toxic if it does'nt get paid, if the toxicity has been caused by mortgage debt simply lengthen the term of mortgage or even add signatories to it, and hey presto, bad debt becomes a mortgage asset.
The return on the debt becomes a longer term investment.